The card does not have to be played
I can put it in my back pocket
It will always be there
But I don’t ever have to put it down
It’s always my choice
Until the game must end
It will stay in my pocket
Tag: recovery
Thought I found a way out
Thought this time would be different
Wrote the notes
Lined up the pills
One by one
Staring at the end
The end of pain
Realizing
It wasn’t the end
It didn’t have to be
Not now.
Will they all leave
When they know
When they see
I’m not all smiles
I’m not sunshine and rainbows
I hurt
Deeper that most
I didn’t ask for this
I don’t want to be
This version of me
I’m ok
I’m not ok
This is my life
Who wants in
A lonely life
this will be
And though I hate it
I’m resolved to be
Who I am
Where I am
You and me
Or just me
I drink to numb the pain
To chase the pain away
Physical pain
Numbing emotional pain
I drink some more
To numb the pain
The pain I will face tomorrow either way
Tomorrow is another day
Tomorrow I don’t want to
Chase the pain away
Is it too much to ask
For someone to care
That you’re falling apart
How do you dare
You are the one
They always come to
But when your in need
Who do you look to
You struggle with life
You’re not as perfect as you put on
The mask you wear
Is now faded and long gone
So what do you do
To show them truth
Behind that mask
You are just you
I’m in that place again
where no one knows how to deal
With my shit
To them isn’t real
I hurt inside
So I hurt myself outside
I don’t expect you to deal
With what I am going through
Something very real
I can’t explain why
I hurt myself so
Except that it feels right
When I am so low
I think it helps
I think it’s the way
I will choose and
Chase the pain away
But in the end
I only feel
A physical pain that is real
A pain that leads
To more pain as I heal
Embarrassed to show my wounds
But also asking others to feel
Something for me
To try and understand
That this is who I will be
I don’t want it to be who I am
But it is what it is
I am me and you are you
I hurt myself
And you keep to you
Where do I go
When I’m lost
I’m lost
So lost
I’m not afraid
Just wandering
Newly blind
Wandering
Around and around
I have no guide
Just myself
My thoughts
My feelings
And I’m still lost
Where do I go from here
Do I stop
Stand still
Let life happen
All around me
Or do I accept
That I am on my own
Feeling around
In the dark
Until I can find
The Light
You are treading water
Don’t give up
Fight through the pain
The exhaustion
Take a deep breath
Sink if you need
Feel the womb of the ocean
Comfort you
It’s ok to go under
For a second
Hold your breath
Feel the water envelop you
Then…
Kick those legs
Pull yourself up
Come up for air
Take that breath
Fight the fatigue
Remember hope
Remember love
Remember life
I know your tired
It would be so easy
To let go
Sink
Remember home
Remember love
Remember loss
All the things that made you strong
It’s ok to go under
For a second
Hold your breath
Feel the water envelop you
Then…
Kick those legs
Pull yourself up
Come up for air
Take that breath
Fight the fatigue
Remember hope
Remember love
Remember life
A rescue boat
May never come
You’re on your own
And that’s okay
You may feel
Unprepared for what’s ahead
Afraid of the unknown
Afraid of drowning
The anchor
Feels heavy
Around you
Pulling you down
It’s ok to go under
For a second
Hold your breath
Feel the water envelop you
Then…
Kick those legs
Pull yourself up
Come up for air
Take that breath
Fight the fatigue
Remember hope
Remember love
Remember life
Fight the current
You can push through
It’s only water
It’s only life
It’s painful
But it’s also hope
It’s love
It’s worth it
It’s ok to go under
As long as you
Kick those legs
Pull yourself up
Come up for air
Take that breath
Fight the fatigue
Remember hope
Remember love
Remember life
And Breathe
Penned in a time of despair
A time loss
A time that has changed
The receiver never
Understands why
Such a letter is exchanged
The sender knows
It’s felt in the heart and soul
Never to be interchanged
Trying institutions
Of the mind and soul
Looking for answers
Test self control
Go to the groups
Read all the books
Collect all the coins
Like the best of crooks
Look in the mirror
Affirmations each day
The changes are made
Then go away
Continue to ride
The waves of recovery
Only to find
Endless discovery
From one to the next
The pages turn
Some to be torn out
Some to burn
The book will continue
To be written with little control
While moving through the institutions
Of the mind and soul
B.A. Wilcox © 