I am a writer. Therefore, I am not sane. -Edgar Allan Poe
Looking in the daily glass
I do see a change
As many see the new wrinkles
Spots of the years gone by
All I see is my eyes
No longer the sparkling of what used to
But rather the redness in the eyes
From tears and pain of the past
of who I am now
Where is that girl
Who was afraid but also fearless
The girl who looked
Toward newness and opportunity
Was I ever that girl really
Or is what I see now
A true reflection of who
I have always been
From far away
Our eyes met
He saw a stranger
And I sighed with relief
I’m not who
I was then
Never will be
If he recognized me
My heart would break
Because deep down
I’m a stranger
He didn’t realize he was looking at
It’s been over 30 years
And you still have a place in my heart
I’ve tried to bury you
Beneath so many others
Others who made me feel less than
Something you never did
Yes, we were young
Yes, we didn’t truly know
Anything about life
And what it would throw at us
But what we felt was true
As true as young love could be
Now I’m afraid
Afraid I have been ruined
By a deep love
That will never again be
And though I am sad
And wish I had been what you needed
I know that you are loved
That you have loved
After me
After us
Saw my self sitting with Hades last night
I, a Eurydice without an Orpheus to rescue me
No one to risk it all for love
Not for me
Not this time
This time I will have to rescue myself
I will walk through hell
And never turn back
Because the light is just ahead
I have never felt so alone
I can talk to anyone
I can go out and be jovial
I want to be
A person
Who is asked to be there
To have a good time
But I also
Want to be one
Whose is wanted
Someone who is needed
To be at the clubs
At the bar
To have fun
Even when I am struggling
I need my people
People who know me
And to pull me out
Of my funk
to see that I am
Not ok
And yet want
To others to keep me as part of their lives
Knowing I can be fun
I can experience
and experience
The joy it is to
Be with my people
Please don’t shut me out
I can still be fun
I’ll talk about life
Or just play games
Don’t push me away
Because I am not perfect
I beg of you
To keep me in your heart
In your life
I don’t know if I can survive
Without you
Please accept me for who I an
As I will always accept you
Is that who we are
What we are waiting for
What is it that happens to us
When the the time comes
Do we get to start over
Do we get to try again
Maybe in a different way
Or are we done
Stardust
An energy that lives on
With no choices left
But to be
Dust to dust
As they say
I want to start over
I want to remember
The mistakes I made
To do it over
Bust I also
But I also
Want to forget
Forget the
Mistakes I have made
Forget the loves
I have lost
But I am scared
Scared that this is all there is
Scared that I will only
See and feel the darkness
That is Absolutely nothing
Nothing but darkness
Or the noting that causes us
No feelings at all
Nothing but darkness
What do I do
What do I do
I want to live
But no longer know how
Will they all leave
When they know
When they see
I’m not all smiles
I’m not sunshine and rainbows
I hurt
Deeper that most
I didn’t ask for this
I don’t want to be
This version of me
I’m ok
I’m not ok
This is my life
Who wants in
A lonely life
this will be
And though I hate it
I’m resolved to be
Who I am
Where I am
You and me
Or just me
Is it too much to ask
For someone to care
That you’re falling apart
How do you dare
You are the one
They always come to
But when your in need
Who do you look to
You struggle with life
You’re not as perfect as you put on
The mask you wear
Is now faded and long gone
So what do you do
To show them truth
Behind that mask
You are just you
You may not like
The way lines are written
Whether rhyming or not
My words sometimes unwritten
Unit now
I open my heart
I let you in
To the one part
My flesh flayed
For all to see
I have not played
With the emotion I show thee
I am who I am
Nothing I won’t show you
I just asked you one thing
See that I’m true
I’m in that place again
where no one knows how to deal
With my shit
To them isn’t real
I hurt inside
So I hurt myself outside
I don’t expect you to deal
With what I am going through
Something very real
I can’t explain why
I hurt myself so
Except that it feels right
When I am so low
I think it helps
I think it’s the way
I will choose and
Chase the pain away
But in the end
I only feel
A physical pain that is real
A pain that leads
To more pain as I heal
Embarrassed to show my wounds
But also asking others to feel
Something for me
To try and understand
That this is who I will be
I don’t want it to be who I am
But it is what it is
I am me and you are you
I hurt myself
And you keep to you
B.A. Wilcox © 