Poetry

That Place

I’m in that place again 

where no one knows how to deal

With my shit

To them isn’t real

I hurt inside

So I hurt myself outside

I don’t expect you to deal

With what I am going through

Something very real

I can’t explain why

I hurt myself so

That it feels right

When I am so low 

I think it helps

I think it’s the way

I will choose and 

Chase the pain away

But in the end

I only feel

A physical pain that is real

A pain that leads

To more pain as I heal

Embarrassed to show my wounds

But also asking others to feel

Something for me

To try and understand

That this is who I will be

I don’t want it to be who I am

But it is what it is

I am me and you are you

I hurt myself

And you keep to you

Poetry

Care

Is it too much to ask

For someone to care

That you’re falling apart

How do you dare

You are the one

They always come to

But when your in need

Who do you look to

You struggle with life

You’re not as perfect as you put on

The mask you wear

Is now faded and long gone

So what do you do

To show them truth 

Behind that mask

You are just you

Uncategorized

Alone

I never knew how alone I was

Until I was alone

No text or calls

No one to reach out to

I will be ok

If I’m gone

They won’t notice

And that’s not on you

I don’t want you to feel sad 

I want you to see me

As someone who was

But wasn’t as well

I don’t want any mourning

Not over me

Just love for each other

That’s now it should be 

Take care of one another

You are all you have

Don’t mourn for me 

I’m ok where I am

I just can’t be

In this world anymore

Poetry

There better be a donut at the end of this

Something sweet

And satisfying

Greasy smooth

Quenching that a sweet tooth 

We know we shouldn’t eat

But its sweetness calls

Like new love

Something we cannot resist

Like a first love

We know it won’t last

But we have to have it anyway 

It may add pounds

Like love adds baggage

There a sweet gooey center

We can’t resist 

And like love

We want another

The sweet donut

That allows love to go on

Poetry

That Place

I’m in that place again 

where no one knows how to deal

With my shit

To them isn’t real

I hurt inside

So I hurt myself outside

I don’t expect you to deal

With what I am going through

Something very real

I can’t explain why

I hurt myself so

Except that it feels right

When I am so low 

I think it helps

I think it’s the way

I will choose and 

Chase the pain away

But in the end

I only feel

A physical pain that is real

A pain that leads

To more pain as I heal

Embarrassed to show my wounds

But also asking others to feel

Something for me

To try and understand

That this is who I will be

I don’t want it to be who I am

But it is what it is

I am me and you are you

I hurt myself

And you keep to you

Poetry

Truth

Are you actually telling me the truth

Or is it another scam

Get me into bed

Exploit my insecurities

Take me

Where you want to go

I just want to talk

To get to know you

Are you pretending

Take advantage

I would let you

Even if you are

I’m alone 

Thou I want something

But truly something more

Can you be something

Something more 

Than a notch on the belt

Just be honest

What do you want

Just so I know 

Poetry

Sleeping Through Life

I sleep whenever I can

I dream vividly 

But it’s not real

I don’t care

I can sleep 

All of the time 

Just to be

In that reality 

It’s not perfect 

But it feels so good 

Better than this life

That’s not my own

I don’t even know 

Where I belong 

Where I should be

Where I can go 

I’m so lost 

I just want to be

In my dreams 

Where I fit 

Almost perfectly 

Musings

Just a Musing on Life

Watching ”Sex in the city” or “Friends” and even at 45 I’m wishing I could have the type of friendships they do. I wonder how many others feel the same way I do.

Am I alone in this? I’ve always thought it would be great to have your neighbors as your friends and your girlfriends/guy-friends as the ones who you’ve had for years. People who know you. Who are there just when you need them and vice versa. People who will call you on your shit no matter what. And who you will love even when they piss you off. Because you all know that no matter what, you are never alone in anything that you do or anything that happens to you. Is that too much to ask for?

I know there are so many of us who feel alone. Who feel like we are lonely wanderers without a tribe. So what do we do? What do I do? I have some friends and I have a couple of people I know I can count on. So why do I want more? I need a community, I think.

Am I selfish? Have I just not figured out how to utilize and be utilized by my friends?

All I know is, loneliness really is a death sentence.