I am a writer. Therefore, I am not sane. -Edgar Allan Poe
Have another first kiss
Hold hands with someone who makes my palms sweat
Know what it’s like
To not be alone
Will I ever
Watch the sunrise again
After a long night of talking
Know what it’s like
To be ok
Will I ever
Catch a snowflake with my eyelashes
Or feel one melt on my tongue
Know what it’s like
To be free
When did your heart let me go
What was the last straw
When did I stop being yours
Was it when I stopped being me
When did you decide to leave
Was I already gone
When will you come back
I’m back to me again
When will you be coming back
Will you be coming back
Deep blue with the golden streak
Sitting in the front see
You driving me
Heading to the show
Or band practice
At Roy’s house
Riding in the front
With our best friends in the back
Heading to Mexico for some fun
Laying in the bed of your Toyota
On Valentine’s Day
Wishing I deserved you
If years with you could be summed up
It would include that ‘96 Toyota
The border was open for all
No passports needed
Shop
Dance
Drink
A good time for all
To be had
Now
Just a memory
Of times
When the most to fear
Was not having the extra ten dollars
In your pocket
Just in case la policies stopped you
No worries of La Migra
Taking your friends away
Because they weren’t from
Your town
El Paso
Sister to Juarez
Two cities
That formed as one
Two countries
Joined by the cities
Now just a memory of yesteryear
Dancing to Gloria Estefan
Washing dishes
Thinking about those days in Mexico
Tequila shots at the start of the night
Drinking and dancing
Until it was time to go
Continuing to sing and dance
Walking across the bridge
Mexico to El Paso
“American” we would say
With no questions asked
Back when it didn’t matter
What side you were from
As long as you had fun
Those were the days
Long passed
Now to feel
The memories of those nights
All I can do is play the music
Take a shot of tequila
Sing and dance
While
Doing the dishes
Looking in the daily glass
I do see a change
As many see the new wrinkles
Spots of the years gone by
All I see is my eyes
No longer the sparkling of what used to
But rather the redness in the eyes
From tears and pain of the past
of who I am now
Where is that girl
Who was afraid but also fearless
The girl who looked
Toward newness and opportunity
Was I ever that girl really
Or is what I see now
A true reflection of who
I have always been
From far away
Our eyes met
He saw a stranger
And I sighed with relief
I’m not who
I was then
Never will be
If he recognized me
My heart would break
Because deep down
I’m a stranger
He didn’t realize he was looking at
It’s been over 30 years
And you still have a place in my heart
I’ve tried to bury you
Beneath so many others
Others who made me feel less than
Something you never did
Yes, we were young
Yes, we didn’t truly know
Anything about life
And what it would throw at us
But what we felt was true
As true as young love could be
Now I’m afraid
Afraid I have been ruined
By a deep love
That will never again be
And though I am sad
And wish I had been what you needed
I know that you are loved
That you have loved
After me
After us
I have never felt so alone
I can talk to anyone
I can go out and be jovial
I want to be
A person
Who is asked to be there
To have a good time
But I also
Want to be one
Whose is wanted
Someone who is needed
To be at the clubs
At the bar
To have fun
Even when I am struggling
I need my people
People who know me
And to pull me out
Of my funk
to see that I am
Not ok
And yet want
To others to keep me as part of their lives
Knowing I can be fun
I can experience
and experience
The joy it is to
Be with my people
Please don’t shut me out
I can still be fun
I’ll talk about life
Or just play games
Don’t push me away
Because I am not perfect
I beg of you
To keep me in your heart
In your life
I don’t know if I can survive
Without you
Please accept me for who I an
As I will always accept you
I recall the time
I was wearing the shirt
The one you always remembered
The one with purple flowers
We listened to a band play
A “show” we called it
Back in the day
You put your cap on me
Your blonde hair to your chin
You were beautiful to me
I knew the minute I saw you
I knew you were mine
And I was yours
So young we were
Full of love
Full of hope
Little did we know
Youth ends
First loves end
But you are always on my mind
I always wonder
If I could have been better
As time has gone on
So many things
Came to light
I wish I could tell you
Why I couldn’t
Give you what you needed
Oh I wish I could have
I couldn’t tell you
How I was hurt
In my past
How I was ruined for you
Oh what I wouldn’t give
To relive those days
To do it all over
Knowing what I know now
You were my first love
You will always have
My heart
B.A. Wilcox © 