I am a writer. Therefore, I am not sane. -Edgar Allan Poe
Have another first kiss
Hold hands with someone who makes my palms sweat
Know what it’s like
To not be alone
Will I ever
Watch the sunrise again
After a long night of talking
Know what it’s like
To be ok
Will I ever
Catch a snowflake with my eyelashes
Or feel one melt on my tongue
Know what it’s like
To be free
The touch of love
And the kisses that come
Peace like quiet winter night
Wrapped in blankets by the fire
Dancing in the rain
On a dark ferocious night
Peace inside
When fear surrounds
Laughter with friends
When no worries come to pass
Peace inside
Peace inside
Peace inside
A rock & roll star
Playing your favorite songs
An actress on stage and screen
Molding myself into the characters you love
A teacher
Respected by her students
A doctor or nurse
Healing those around the world
A writer
Inspiring people with her words
A friend
Who was always there
A family member
Always thought about and cherished
Could I have been
Anyone other than who I’ve become
I’ve tried it all
And still feel like
No one people think about
As much as I think about them
Someone lost
In the darkest corners of my mind
Alone
Without any hope
For what the future holds
Wandering aimlessly for a purpose
Trying everything
I can grasp onto
And not succeeding
At any one thing
Losing myself to the void
That is life
Is that life?
The walls have caved in
I’m all alone
I’m on my own
The dust is thick
Hard to breathe
The weight is pushing me down
Every second I’m in this hole
What do I do
I know there’s no one coming
I can give up
Lie here
Until
My lungs
My organs
My bones
Are done
Trying to sustain me
Or can I fight
What is there to latch onto
Will the air become clear
Will I be able to move
Just an inch at a time
Do I fight
Do I give in
Is this the fate I have been designated
Or is there more
A light pulls me
Do I go
I go…
It is either
The light of the end
Or a new hope for tomorrow
It is an answer
Tell those who love you
Stop
It’s not worth it anymore
And it’s ok
You are not their problem anymore
It’s ok to let go.
Please let go.
It’s hurts to tell them that
You are tired.
That you
Have no more strength.
That you
Have no more fight left in you.
You know it hurts to hear
But as exhausted as they are
You feel that
Times 100.
They will move on
They are not weak.
Not like you are now.
Too many tears,
Too many sleepless nights,
Too much
Just too much.
The therapy,
The pills,
The hope that goes only so far.
It’s done.
You’re done.
I wish I could drive
However long it takes
Just to get to someone
Whose arms I could fall into
Someone who will hold me
As I cry my eyes out
For reasons unknown
Or reasons that can’t be explained
Because the words won’t come out
I wish I could drive
Away from here
To somewhere I know I could belong
But I am a nomad
Nowhere to go
Too much to take on
They may see
But only really looking
For a soft spot to land
I am a spaceship
Entering the atmosphere with no where to land
If I land in the ocean
I drown
If I land on the earth
I will be crushed
So I drive
For miles
Hoping to find a place
To rest my weary heart
And begin a new
Do we deserve
What we get
Awful people
Full of hate
Surrounded by family
And sycophants
Living fruitful lives
So many dream of
While those
With nothing
But open hearts
Are reaching out for
Nothing more
Than hope
Love
Support
Only to be held down
With no life jacket
To keep them from
Drowning
In this world
This life of
Chaos and turmoil
Of hate and intolerance
What else is to be done
Take one last breath
Let the current take us
Mom sees it
Obligatory maybe
But why can’t anyone else see
I don’t want this pain
I want Hope
Family
People who are ok with me
Being me
But also, there
Pulling me out of
The swamp
No siblings
They have each other
No lover
To hold me
Tell me they have me
No matter what
No ride or die friends
Who can and will be there
When it’s too hard to ask for help
Maybe I want too much
A hand out to keep me
From drowning
I’m drowning
I will be your ride or die
I will be your sister
I will be your friend
I will be your lover
Can you be mine
Can you hear me
As I shout these words aloud
As I write them down
Begging for someone to see
To know that I need
Something
Someone
Anything but this
Emptiness
Black hole that I feel
I’m being sucked into
PLEASE
SOMEONE
SEE
ME
All I am now
Is disappearing
Into my own words
If people could read this
If people could see me
With my defenses down
Would they see
I’m hurting
More than I show
On the outside
I smile
I laugh
But alone
I scream and cry
I’m locked
In an invisible cage
To which
No one has the key
B.A. Wilcox © 