I am a writer. Therefore, I am not sane. -Edgar Allan Poe
The border was open for all
No passports needed
Shop
Dance
Drink
A good time for all
To be had
Now
Just a memory
Of times
When the most to fear
Was not having the extra ten dollars
In your pocket
Just in case la policies stopped you
No worries of La Migra
Taking your friends away
Because they weren’t from
Your town
El Paso
Sister to Juarez
Two cities
That formed as one
Two countries
Joined by the cities
Now just a memory of yesteryear
Tell those who love you
Stop
It’s not worth it anymore
And it’s ok
You are not their problem anymore
It’s ok to let go.
Please let go.
It’s hurts to tell them that
You are tired.
That you
Have no more strength.
That you
Have no more fight left in you.
You know it hurts to hear
But as exhausted as they are
You feel that
Times 100.
They will move on
They are not weak.
Not like you are now.
Too many tears,
Too many sleepless nights,
Too much
Just too much.
The therapy,
The pills,
The hope that goes only so far.
It’s done.
You’re done.
I wish I could drive
However long it takes
Just to get to someone
Whose arms I could fall into
Someone who will hold me
As I cry my eyes out
For reasons unknown
Or reasons that can’t be explained
Because the words won’t come out
I wish I could drive
Away from here
To somewhere I know I could belong
But I am a nomad
Nowhere to go
Too much to take on
They may see
But only really looking
For a soft spot to land
I am a spaceship
Entering the atmosphere with no where to land
If I land in the ocean
I drown
If I land on the earth
I will be crushed
So I drive
For miles
Hoping to find a place
To rest my weary heart
And begin a new
I wrote letters one night.
The pain overtook me.
I was possessed
By sadness
Loneliness
Fear
And an utter lack of hope.
So I wrote them.
I wrote to those
I loved at one time.
Friends I had wished
We’re still a part of my life.
Family members
Who held a close place in my heart
Though, may not have thought of me the same.
To God.
To the Devil
If it exists.
And the words flowed through my pen
As if writing a story of my life.
All that was missing was the ending.
Do we deserve
What we get
Awful people
Full of hate
Surrounded by family
And sycophants
Living fruitful lives
So many dream of
While those
With nothing
But open hearts
Are reaching out for
Nothing more
Than hope
Love
Support
Only to be held down
With no life jacket
To keep them from
Drowning
In this world
This life of
Chaos and turmoil
Of hate and intolerance
What else is to be done
Take one last breath
Let the current take us
Mom sees it
Obligatory maybe
But why can’t anyone else see
I don’t want this pain
I want Hope
Family
People who are ok with me
Being me
But also, there
Pulling me out of
The swamp
No siblings
They have each other
No lover
To hold me
Tell me they have me
No matter what
No ride or die friends
Who can and will be there
When it’s too hard to ask for help
Maybe I want too much
A hand out to keep me
From drowning
I’m drowning
I will be your ride or die
I will be your sister
I will be your friend
I will be your lover
Can you be mine
Can you hear me
As I shout these words aloud
As I write them down
Begging for someone to see
To know that I need
Something
Someone
Anything but this
Emptiness
Black hole that I feel
I’m being sucked into
PLEASE
SOMEONE
SEE
ME
All I am now
Is disappearing
Into my own words
Looking in the daily glass
I do see a change
As many see the new wrinkles
Spots of the years gone by
All I see is my eyes
No longer the sparkling of what used to
But rather the redness in the eyes
From tears and pain of the past
of who I am now
Where is that girl
Who was afraid but also fearless
The girl who looked
Toward newness and opportunity
Was I ever that girl really
Or is what I see now
A true reflection of who
I have always been
From far away
Our eyes met
He saw a stranger
And I sighed with relief
I’m not who
I was then
Never will be
If he recognized me
My heart would break
Because deep down
I’m a stranger
He didn’t realize he was looking at
Swinging round the pole
Wanting to be pushed
In the opposite direction
Away from all the pain
Away from the sinking sadness
Excited I swing
The other way around
And all is still the same
Just a different direction
I’m playing all alone
Swinging round
Back and forth
Tethered and bound
To this way of life
If people could read this
If people could see me
With my defenses down
Would they see
I’m hurting
More than I show
On the outside
I smile
I laugh
But alone
I scream and cry
I’m locked
In an invisible cage
To which
No one has the key
B.A. Wilcox © 