I am a writer. Therefore, I am not sane. -Edgar Allan Poe
Are you actually telling me the truth
Or is it another scam
Get me into bed
Exploit my insecurities
Take me
Where you want to go
I just want to talk
To get to know you
Are you pretending
Take advantage
I would let you
Even if you are
I’m alone
Thou I want something
But truly something more
Can you be something
Something more
Than a notch on the belt
Just be honest
What do you want
Just so I know
I recall the time
I was wearing the shirt
The one you always remembered
The one with purple flowers
We listened to a band play
A “show” we called it
Back in the day
You put your cap on me
Your blonde hair to your chin
You were beautiful to me
I knew the minute I saw you
I knew you were mine
And I was yours
So young we were
Full of love
Full of hope
Little did we know
Youth ends
First loves end
But you are always on my mind
I always wonder
If I could have been better
As time has gone on
So many things
Came to light
I wish I could tell you
Why I couldn’t
Give you what you needed
Oh I wish I could have
I couldn’t tell you
How I was hurt
In my past
How I was ruined for you
Oh what I wouldn’t give
To relive those days
To do it all over
Knowing what I know now
You were my first love
You will always have
My heart
I gave you my best
Whatever that means
I don’t have anything left to give
I gave you my best
The love
I knew how to give
What happens
Now that
You’re gone
I have nothing
Left to give
I’m empty
I gave you my best
What is left of me
Nothing
If anyone comes
Around me now
There is nothing left
I gave you my best
I gave you all I had
I gave you my best
Do you still think of me
Twenty-some years later
Am I alone in my thoughts
My memories of the good
And the bad
So many firsts
That new love brings
As we grow older
The firsts are not the same
Innocence has been lost
Passion fades
Life has made us hard
Accepting new love
New lovers
New desires
No longer easy to come by
I long for the earlier days
When love was in abundance
I think of you
Do you think of me
You made your decision
I may not understand why
But I forgive you
Whatever happens
You are my blood
You are my community
You are my country
I will continue to hope
I will continue to fight
To protect all that we are
All that we can be
You are my
Brothers and sisters
I love you
I hold you in my heart
I fight for you
I forgive you
You give me nothing
I pour my soul into you
I am empty now
You are treading water
Don’t give up
Fight through the pain
The exhaustion
Take a deep breath
Sink if you need
Feel the womb of the ocean
Comfort you
It’s ok to go under
For a second
Hold your breath
Feel the water envelop you
Then…
Kick those legs
Pull yourself up
Come up for air
Take that breath
Fight the fatigue
Remember hope
Remember love
Remember life
I know your tired
It would be so easy
To let go
Sink
Remember home
Remember love
Remember loss
All the things that made you strong
It’s ok to go under
For a second
Hold your breath
Feel the water envelop you
Then…
Kick those legs
Pull yourself up
Come up for air
Take that breath
Fight the fatigue
Remember hope
Remember love
Remember life
A rescue boat
May never come
You’re on your own
And that’s okay
You may feel
Unprepared for what’s ahead
Afraid of the unknown
Afraid of drowning
The anchor
Feels heavy
Around you
Pulling you down
It’s ok to go under
For a second
Hold your breath
Feel the water envelop you
Then…
Kick those legs
Pull yourself up
Come up for air
Take that breath
Fight the fatigue
Remember hope
Remember love
Remember life
Fight the current
You can push through
It’s only water
It’s only life
It’s painful
But it’s also hope
It’s love
It’s worth it
It’s ok to go under
As long as you
Kick those legs
Pull yourself up
Come up for air
Take that breath
Fight the fatigue
Remember hope
Remember love
Remember life
And Breathe
Dying of a broken heart
Is it a possibility
Is it just the start
Of a scientific understanding
A heart that stops working
Could be triviality
A pain that’s lurking
Maybe bioengineering
Or can it be a love long gone
A wish unspoken
Passion overdrawn
Oneself disappearing
Whatever the cause may be
The heart has been broken
This, anyone can see
Death is ever nearing
Penned in a time of despair
A time loss
A time that has changed
The receiver never
Understands why
Such a letter is exchanged
The sender knows
It’s felt in the heart and soul
Never to be interchanged
Almost there
What does that mean
I’m not where I
Thought I’d be
I did not expect
A suicide attempt
One or more
Rehabilitation stays
Jobs upon jobs
Figuring out
Who I am
Who I’m supposed to be
Fired for the first time
In my many pursuits
Am I stopping myself
Am I in my own way?
I don’t feel okay
I don’t feel right
I don’t know what’s going on
I don’t know what mask to don
I act
I apply
I try so hard
I’m lost in myself
I’m wrong for the part
The position, the role
I try so hard
I’m still the black swan
I won’t give up
Figuring out
Who I am
Not put on a shelf
Like a book
Or a journal
With words
Or none
I will
Find out
Who I am
For once and for all
I will write
I will sing
I will be with myself
One on one
The heartbreak
The tears, and pain
Are all I am and
I will not fall
I will over come
I will pursue
I will love again
I will continue to hope
For more than I am
For more than I can be
For all that I want
For all that is to be
I want for more
I need to be
One who lives
One who can cope
To be
To be
To be
The truest me
BW’24
B.A. Wilcox © 