I am a writer. Therefore, I am not sane. -Edgar Allan Poe
Looking in the daily glass
I do see a change
As many see the new wrinkles
Spots of the years gone by
All I see is my eyes
No longer the sparkling of what used to
But rather the redness in the eyes
From tears and pain of the past
of who I am now
Where is that girl
Who was afraid but also fearless
The girl who looked
Toward newness and opportunity
Was I ever that girl really
Or is what I see now
A true reflection of who
I have always been
Swinging round the pole
Wanting to be pushed
In the opposite direction
Away from all the pain
Away from the sinking sadness
Excited I swing
The other way around
And all is still the same
Just a different direction
I’m playing all alone
Swinging round
Back and forth
Tethered and bound
To this way of life
If people could read this
If people could see me
With my defenses down
Would they see
I’m hurting
More than I show
On the outside
I smile
I laugh
But alone
I scream and cry
I’m locked
In an invisible cage
To which
No one has the key
Lost with no clear way out
No clear way but one
And even that is foggy
Nothing to fight for
Nothing to hold on to
I am dead weight
Stuck to the bottom
Can’t even find the air
Can’t find the surface
Can anyone pull me up
I can’t do it alone anymore
My arms are tired
My lungs stretched to the limits
Can some one please
Throw me a life line
I know it’s a lot to ask
But I promise
I’ll be better
I’ll do better
Just help me reach the top
I need some air
I need some ground
I can balance on
I’m tired of walking a tightrope
At the bottom of the sea
I can’t talk
I can’t see
I can speak
What’s in front of me
My mind is gone
What’s happening to me
Everything feels wrong
I cannot see
The light
From within the dark
Please someone
Send a spark
I’m lost
Searching for the key
To open up
The good inside of me
I can feel myself giving up
Then I think about you
Until I don’t
Until the pain overwhelms me
Snapping the rubber band
For some pain
It’s not enough
Give me a blade
Just to feel something
See the blood
What is it in me
That craves that pain
I’m sorry I can’t explain
What it is that drives me to this
Just know
There’s nothing you can do
This is me
I need the pain
To feel alive
And for now that has to be ok
That has to be enough
An explanation for my pain
The blade feels better
Than the pills
Just painful enough
To snap out of myself
Snap out of my sadness
It’s a pain
That keeps me from
Giving up
The card does not have to be played
I can put it in my back pocket
It will always be there
But I don’t ever have to put it down
It’s always my choice
Until the game must end
It will stay in my pocket
Thought I found a way out
Thought this time would be different
Wrote the notes
Lined up the pills
One by one
Staring at the end
The end of pain
Realizing
It wasn’t the end
It didn’t have to be
Not now.
I have never felt so alone
I can talk to anyone
I can go out and be jovial
I want to be
A person
Who is asked to be there
To have a good time
But I also
Want to be one
Whose is wanted
Someone who is needed
To be at the clubs
At the bar
To have fun
Even when I am struggling
I need my people
People who know me
And to pull me out
Of my funk
to see that I am
Not ok
And yet want
To others to keep me as part of their lives
Knowing I can be fun
I can experience
and experience
The joy it is to
Be with my people
Please don’t shut me out
I can still be fun
I’ll talk about life
Or just play games
Don’t push me away
Because I am not perfect
I beg of you
To keep me in your heart
In your life
I don’t know if I can survive
Without you
Please accept me for who I an
As I will always accept you
Is that who we are
What we are waiting for
What is it that happens to us
When the the time comes
Do we get to start over
Do we get to try again
Maybe in a different way
Or are we done
Stardust
An energy that lives on
With no choices left
But to be
Dust to dust
As they say
I want to start over
I want to remember
The mistakes I made
To do it over
Bust I also
But I also
Want to forget
Forget the
Mistakes I have made
Forget the loves
I have lost
But I am scared
Scared that this is all there is
Scared that I will only
See and feel the darkness
That is Absolutely nothing
Nothing but darkness
Or the noting that causes us
No feelings at all
Nothing but darkness
What do I do
What do I do
I want to live
But no longer know how
B.A. Wilcox © 