If people could read this
If people could see me
With my defenses down
Would they see
I’m hurting
More than I show
On the outside
I smile
I laugh
But alone
I scream and cry
I’m locked
In an invisible cage
To which
No one has the key
Tag: anxiety
Lost with no clear way out
No clear way but one
And even that is foggy
Nothing to fight for
Nothing to hold on to
I am dead weight
Stuck to the bottom
Can’t even find the air
Can’t find the surface
Can anyone pull me up
I can’t do it alone anymore
My arms are tired
My lungs stretched to the limits
Can some one please
Throw me a life line
I know it’s a lot to ask
But I promise
I’ll be better
I’ll do better
Just help me reach the top
I need some air
I need some ground
I can balance on
I’m tired of walking a tightrope
At the bottom of the sea
I can’t talk
I can’t see
I can speak
What’s in front of me
My mind is gone
What’s happening to me
Everything feels wrong
I cannot see
The light
From within the dark
Please someone
Send a spark
I’m lost
Searching for the key
To open up
The good inside of me
The card does not have to be played
I can put it in my back pocket
It will always be there
But I don’t ever have to put it down
It’s always my choice
Until the game must end
It will stay in my pocket
Thought I found a way out
Thought this time would be different
Wrote the notes
Lined up the pills
One by one
Staring at the end
The end of pain
Realizing
It wasn’t the end
It didn’t have to be
Not now.
Where do I go
When I’m lost
I’m lost
So lost
I’m not afraid
Just wandering
Newly blind
Wandering
Around and around
I have no guide
Just myself
My thoughts
My feelings
And I’m still lost
Where do I go from here
Do I stop
Stand still
Let life happen
All around me
Or do I accept
That I am on my own
Feeling around
In the dark
Until I can find
The Light
You are treading water
Don’t give up
Fight through the pain
The exhaustion
Take a deep breath
Sink if you need
Feel the womb of the ocean
Comfort you
It’s ok to go under
For a second
Hold your breath
Feel the water envelop you
Then…
Kick those legs
Pull yourself up
Come up for air
Take that breath
Fight the fatigue
Remember hope
Remember love
Remember life
I know your tired
It would be so easy
To let go
Sink
Remember home
Remember love
Remember loss
All the things that made you strong
It’s ok to go under
For a second
Hold your breath
Feel the water envelop you
Then…
Kick those legs
Pull yourself up
Come up for air
Take that breath
Fight the fatigue
Remember hope
Remember love
Remember life
A rescue boat
May never come
You’re on your own
And that’s okay
You may feel
Unprepared for what’s ahead
Afraid of the unknown
Afraid of drowning
The anchor
Feels heavy
Around you
Pulling you down
It’s ok to go under
For a second
Hold your breath
Feel the water envelop you
Then…
Kick those legs
Pull yourself up
Come up for air
Take that breath
Fight the fatigue
Remember hope
Remember love
Remember life
Fight the current
You can push through
It’s only water
It’s only life
It’s painful
But it’s also hope
It’s love
It’s worth it
It’s ok to go under
As long as you
Kick those legs
Pull yourself up
Come up for air
Take that breath
Fight the fatigue
Remember hope
Remember love
Remember life
And Breathe
Penned in a time of despair
A time loss
A time that has changed
The receiver never
Understands why
Such a letter is exchanged
The sender knows
It’s felt in the heart and soul
Never to be interchanged
I can’t do it anymore
This world
This life
I don’t understand
What am I supposed to learn
All I see is pain
Is fear
Is lying
And death
I want to start over
I want a redo
Does that mean
I am left in this world
At this time
Can I be
A better me
Or will I be
Left in the dark
Nothingness
A dark reminder
That nothing exists
Outside of now
Or do I come back
A fish
A bug
A child who
Has to figure it all out again
Can I start over
Is there a way
To start over
Or is that it
Do I go and see
My Father for the first time
My grandparents
My cousin
All no longer with me
Do I stay
In pain
Lost
In a world
That doesn’t need
Me
Oh they will say
We need you
Life will not be the same
They don’t realize
They are lying
Life goes on
Time ticks away
Maybe they won’t forget
But they will move on
They will continue
Life will continue
Sadness may occur
And will pop up
From time to time
But the sun will rise
The sun will set
Hours will go by
People will smile
And laugh again
People will celebrate
The days to come
Though those days
May be numbered
But
They will have the faith
And the strength
That I no longer possess
Dissipating fog
The sky illuminated
Hope was infinitely hers
B.A. Wilcox © 