The card does not have to be played
I can put it in my back pocket
It will always be there
But I don’t ever have to put it down
It’s always my choice
Until the game must end
It will stay in my pocket
Thought I found a way out
Thought this time would be different
Wrote the notes
Lined up the pills
One by one
Staring at the end
The end of pain
Realizing
It wasn’t the end
It didn’t have to be
Not now.
Unbearable heat
I am high and dry soaring
Amongst the eagles
I have never felt so alone
I can talk to anyone
I can go out and be jovial
I want to be
A person
Who is asked to be there
To have a good time
But I also
Want to be one
Whose is wanted
Someone who is needed
To be at the clubs
At the bar
To have fun
Even when I am struggling
I need my people
People who know me
And to pull me out
Of my funk
to see that I am
Not ok
And yet want
To others to keep me as part of their lives
Knowing I can be fun
I can experience
and experience
The joy it is to
Be with my people
Please don’t shut me out
I can still be fun
I’ll talk about life
Or just play games
Don’t push me away
Because I am not perfect
I beg of you
To keep me in your heart
In your life
I don’t know if I can survive
Without you
Please accept me for who I an
As I will always accept you
Is that who we are
What we are waiting for
What is it that happens to us
When the the time comes
Do we get to start over
Do we get to try again
Maybe in a different way
Or are we done
Stardust
An energy that lives on
With no choices left
But to be
Dust to dust
As they say
I want to start over
I want to remember
The mistakes I made
To do it over
Bust I also
But I also
Want to forget
Forget the
Mistakes I have made
Forget the loves
I have lost
But I am scared
Scared that this is all there is
Scared that I will only
See and feel the darkness
That is Absolutely nothing
Nothing but darkness
Or the noting that causes us
No feelings at all
Nothing but darkness
What do I do
What do I do
I want to live
But no longer know how
Will they all leave
When they know
When they see
I’m not all smiles
I’m not sunshine and rainbows
I hurt
Deeper that most
I didn’t ask for this
I don’t want to be
This version of me
I’m ok
I’m not ok
This is my life
Who wants in
A lonely life
this will be
And though I hate it
I’m resolved to be
Who I am
Where I am
You and me
Or just me
Ever have a normal life
Living with this thing
I never asked for
Ever be loved
With my faults
Not what’s in my core
Ever get to know
What true love is like
With someone I adore
Get to live
A normal life
Will you open the door
Please see who I am
Aside from my faults
See who I am… one you can feel something for
I wish I could tell you
The truth versus the lies
But lies make me seem
Better than what I really am
I am a mess
Something no one
Is willing to take on
I like you so much
But I know soon you’ll be gone
When you know the truth
About who I am
My lies to cover up
That which I’m ashamed
You leave me behind
Like they always do
This much work
Too much for you
I understand
That I m not perfect
A mess you would have
To live with
To deal with
Too much to respect
A liar I am
Not what I want to be
A liar I’ve been
I hate for others
To see
I never knew how alone I was
Until I was alone
No text or calls
No one to reach out to
I will be ok
If I’m gone
They won’t notice
And that’s not on you
I don’t want you to feel sad
I want you to see me
As someone who was well
But wasn’t as well
I don’t want any mourning
Not over me
Just love for each other
That’s now it should be
Take care of one another
You are all you have
Don’t mourn for me
I’m ok where I am
I just can’t be
In this world anymore
I drink to numb the pain
To chase the pain away
Physical pain
Numbing emotional pain
I drink some more
To numb the pain
The pain I will face tomorrow either way
Tomorrow is another day
Tomorrow I don’t want to
Chase the pain away
B.A. Wilcox © 