I am a writer. Therefore, I am not sane. -Edgar Allan Poe
Looking in the daily glass
I do see a change
As many see the new wrinkles
Spots of the years gone by
All I see is my eyes
No longer the sparkling of what used to
But rather the redness in the eyes
From tears and pain of the past
of who I am now
Where is that girl
Who was afraid but also fearless
The girl who looked
Toward newness and opportunity
Was I ever that girl really
Or is what I see now
A true reflection of who
I have always been
From far away
Our eyes met
He saw a stranger
And I sighed with relief
I’m not who
I was then
Never will be
If he recognized me
My heart would break
Because deep down
I’m a stranger
He didn’t realize he was looking at
Swinging round the pole
Wanting to be pushed
In the opposite direction
Away from all the pain
Away from the sinking sadness
Excited I swing
The other way around
And all is still the same
Just a different direction
I’m playing all alone
Swinging round
Back and forth
Tethered and bound
To this way of life
If people could read this
If people could see me
With my defenses down
Would they see
I’m hurting
More than I show
On the outside
I smile
I laugh
But alone
I scream and cry
I’m locked
In an invisible cage
To which
No one has the key
Lost with no clear way out
No clear way but one
And even that is foggy
Nothing to fight for
Nothing to hold on to
I am dead weight
Stuck to the bottom
Can’t even find the air
Can’t find the surface
Can anyone pull me up
I can’t do it alone anymore
My arms are tired
My lungs stretched to the limits
Can some one please
Throw me a life line
I know it’s a lot to ask
But I promise
I’ll be better
I’ll do better
Just help me reach the top
I need some air
I need some ground
I can balance on
I’m tired of walking a tightrope
At the bottom of the sea
I can’t talk
I can’t see
I can speak
What’s in front of me
My mind is gone
What’s happening to me
Everything feels wrong
I cannot see
The light
From within the dark
Please someone
Send a spark
I’m lost
Searching for the key
To open up
The good inside of me
I can feel myself giving up
Then I think about you
Until I don’t
Until the pain overwhelms me
Snapping the rubber band
For some pain
It’s not enough
Give me a blade
Just to feel something
See the blood
What is it in me
That craves that pain
I’m sorry I can’t explain
What it is that drives me to this
Just know
There’s nothing you can do
This is me
I need the pain
To feel alive
And for now that has to be ok
That has to be enough
An explanation for my pain
The blade feels better
Than the pills
Just painful enough
To snap out of myself
Snap out of my sadness
It’s a pain
That keeps me from
Giving up
Are you all alone
Or alone again
Lost and not knowing where to go
Do you walk the streets
Stare at your phone
Hoping to hear or see them
Knowing in your heart
They will never be there
It’s been over 30 years
And you still have a place in my heart
I’ve tried to bury you
Beneath so many others
Others who made me feel less than
Something you never did
Yes, we were young
Yes, we didn’t truly know
Anything about life
And what it would throw at us
But what we felt was true
As true as young love could be
Now I’m afraid
Afraid I have been ruined
By a deep love
That will never again be
And though I am sad
And wish I had been what you needed
I know that you are loved
That you have loved
After me
After us
Saw my self sitting with Hades last night
I, a Eurydice without an Orpheus to rescue me
No one to risk it all for love
Not for me
Not this time
This time I will have to rescue myself
I will walk through hell
And never turn back
Because the light is just ahead
B.A. Wilcox © 